As I have watched our children grow up and learn more about communication, I have been returning to a conversational tool torn from the pages of Improv: The Power of Yes and. 

Whether you are having business conversations or just talking with your friends or spouse, all conversational moments can be divided into two categories: yes and or yes but. 

Yes, but. 

We have all been in a conversation with this sort of person. Every turn of conversation is a one-up, a new fact meant to reframe or belittle the one you just entered into the discourse. I am reminded of the SNL sketch “Debbie Downer,” in which Rachel Dratch plays Debbie, the woman who always has a depressing fact to go with something her friends or family just said. 

Family Member 3 (Lindsay Lohan): “Come on, Debbie, let’s focus on the fun! We’re gonna see the parade later, right?”
Family Member 1 (Amy Poehler): “Yeah, and I heard they’ve got a new float with all the Disney princesses!”
Debbie Downer: (staring into the distance, deadpan) “You know, I was reading about the animal performers in those parades… a lot of those animals are under stress from captivity. And by the way, did you know Feline AIDS is the number one killer of domestic cats?”

This caricature is extreme, but many conversationalists fall into this same trap in more subtle ways. It is defeating to everyone the “yes but” person communicates with. If you fall into this trap, start working on it as soon as possible; otherwise, you will limit your interpersonal potential. In other words, people will not want to be around you as much, and they certainly will leave speaking with you feeling drained and uninspired.  

Yes and. 

In Improv, every scene thrives on the players’ collaboration toward an unknown, and often hilarious, end. In its essence, this is what conversation is, too! You do not know every twist and turn of a conversation outcome, which entirely depends on the people involved. We can borrow Yes and from Improv to help build the conversation up. It works like this: someone offers a fact, an opinion, or a story, and you tack on something to make the conversation more interesting and rich. You are both the wind in the sails of the conversation, and each volley is a chance to push the ship forward. “Yes, but” it takes the wind out of the sails. 

In Improv, it might go something like this: 

Setting: A bustling spaceship repair shop in a sci-fi universe. Alex and Jamie are mechanics working on a client’s malfunctioning spacecraft.
Alex: (wiping grease off hands) Wow, Jamie, this spaceship’s warp drive is completely fried! It looks like it tried to jump through a black hole.
Jamie: Yes, and the client said they were racing against a fleet of pirate drones when it happened, so the hull’s probably riddled with plasma burns, too!
Alex: Yes, and I just found a weird glowing crystal wedged in the engine—bet it’s some kind of alien tech that caused the overload.

It would get pretty tiring if you used the phrase “yes and” constantly in a conversation, so you must learn to morph this concept into the fabric of the intent of your speech, not the exact phrase. (See examples in the appendix below)

Of course, it will not make for a very seasoned and rich conversation if everything is always in agreement. But, this is about the thrust of the conversation as a whole and the tack you take in the beats of the conversation. For example, you can disagree without but-ing someone. It is a conversational posture more than anything else; are you collaborating and building ideas like blocks stacking into a great tower, or are you taking the blocks off that the other person just placed on? Again, you don’t have to always agree, but you can learn to say yes even when the answer is no (and you can say no, too).

Turning back to my kids, I am working with them to frame their conversations with the spirit of Improv. I want them to be on the same team as the people they speak with. No one likes a know-it-all, but we shouldn’t punish fervent curiosity and a penchant for retaining facts. How you say something matters! Too many of us were not guided in how we converse and have not considered how our conversational modus operandi may hurt our relationships – even when we don’t mean it to. When it comes to effective conversation, we will always have more work to do, but I want to encourage you to start today!

So what can you do? Listen to how you say something, don’t just say it. Watch for subtle shifts in the body language of those you speak with. If you can see them deflating, chances are you are “yes but-ing” them more than you realize. Once you gain awareness, you can start to “yes and” the conversation. As you learn to reframe your typical way of conversing, your network will grow, your friends will want more of your time, and new doors will open for you. 

Takeaway: Your conversational style should be collaborative and open-ended, even when you need to correct or reframe. To do this, you can borrow “Yes and” from Improv acting. 

Appendix: Examples

At Work – Project Planning

Yes, but approach: Sarah: “I think we should launch the new feature next month to capitalize on the holiday season.”Mike: “Yes, but we don’t have enough testing time. Plus, the development team is already overloaded with bug fixes.”

Yes, and approach: Sarah: “I think we should launch the new feature next month to capitalize on the holiday season.”Mike: “That timing could be really powerful for sales. And if we’re going to hit that deadline, we’d probably need to bring in some contract testers to help with QA while our dev team focuses on the critical path items.”

With Friends – Weekend Plans

Yes, but approach: Emma: “Let’s try that new hiking trail this weekend!” Jordan: “You should check the weather more often. Did you know it’s supposed to rain on Saturday? And my knee has been bothering me lately.”

Yes, and approach: Emma: “Let’s try that new hiking trail this weekend!” Jordan: “I love that idea! And since the weather might be iffy, we could check out that indoor rock climbing place as a backup, or find a trail with some covered pavilions where we could take shelter if needed.”

With Spouse – Home Improvement

Yes, but approach: Alex: “I was thinking we could paint the living room that warm blue color we saw at the neighbor’s house.” Casey: “Yes, but blue might make the room feel too cold in winter. And we just spent so much on the kitchen renovation.”

Yes, and approach: Alex: “I was thinking we could paint the living room that warm blue color we saw at the neighbor’s house.” Casey: “That color was gorgeous in their space! And we could test it on just one accent wall first to see how it feels with our lighting, maybe pair it with some warmer throw pillows to balance the temperature of the room.”

With Children – Creative Play

Yes, but approach: Child: “Dad, let’s pretend the couch is a spaceship and we’re flying to Mars!” Parent: “Yes, but we need to be careful not to jump on the furniture. And it’s almost dinner time.”

Yes, and approach: Child: “Dad, let’s pretend the couch is a spaceship and we’re flying to Mars!” Parent: “Captain, prepare for launch! And this is a very sophisticated spaceship, so we need to use the special astronaut controls—no jumping allowed because it might damage our delicate navigation systems. I’m picking up strange signals from the red planet that sound like… Martian dinner bells! Should we pack some Earth snacks for our mission?”

Notice how not every “yes and” or “yes but” was directly said that way? Also, in the “With Children” example, the parents could still set the boundaries they wanted while not killing the conversation and play. You can use that same technique at work or with friends, too (just don’t let it become passive aggressive).